Monday, October 09, 2006

Third chakra

My first passion
One time was when I started to learn French. There was a fierce quality to my hunger. Over a period of sixteen weeks I copied the entire university textbook into a series of notebooks. I lived at the language lab. Riding my bike home from the university, I said the names of passing objects in French: un arbre, un chien, trois enfants, le trottoir, un nuage....

Other passions
I've done so many special things. Lived in New Mexico, helped open a bookstore, did an M.A. in French literature at an excellent university. I lived in France for two years, played in a band there, sang with a choir. I studied in Italy for a semester. I went to Mexico for a summer and lived with a family. I took a group of high school students to Australia for three weeks. I worked with homeless women and their children for two years. I moved from Ohio to the Hamptons, where I taught at a private school. I started a new career in museum work at age 44. Sometimes I can't believe that I did all of that. Who was that woman?

What happened?
But over the past four years, since 9/11, I think, I've slipped off the track. I am awash in a sea of bewilderment. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I am not really living. I just work, pay the bills, drive, go to Starbucks, wash the floor.


Blogger miss*R said...

oh ms*potato print ! you sure do support me - I loved your support when I had the little meltdown a few days ago. I like to know that you are over there breathing with me.
you have lived an amazing life!
sept 11 - what can I say? just know that you have an australian friend who is here for you - supporting you as you search through the bewilderment. Maybe this True Balance has been sent to you so that you can find out who that woman that you speak of , was and where she has gone.
Joan of Arc - she would have forged ahead, I am sure.
love your drawing - I like how the foot is kind of testing the 'water' before you step forward.
I am stuck on the base chakra and how much to reveal through blogging.

5:17 AM  
Blogger S.L. White said...

Caroline, it is heartwarming to see you working through this yellow issue. Your drawing is exquisite-- reminds me of a tai chi step forward! And I love the symbolism you described...

You have an amazing life-- then and now, but as we age there's a 'taking stock' time, and that too is a blessing. We look inward and it is just different (not worse) than the activity of younger days. As a friend told me when I wrestled with this: 'you're not a human doing, you're a human being.' And that's what we get in touch with.

My mother never let me wear yellow... and Now? (grin)

9:12 AM  
Blogger Tammy said...

You are still that woman! My perception of you? You are a very strong, adventurous woman - even if you haven't been as much lately, it seems as if you are willing to get in there and be again!

I am glad to have "met" you through blogging - your art and your forthright words are an inspiration to me!

Forge on! (and wear yellow!)

11:46 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

You are so supportive! You really see people, Caroline. And I think you have a knack for making people feel safe too. I am so glad that our paths have crossed.

Reading this post, I really wanted to sit with you over coffee and hear about all your adventures and wonder with you what's next? I wish for you all that passion and joy that's just on the other side of that passage. I wonder what adventure is waiting for you to find it?

12:18 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Oh, and I love how free you are in this picture.

12:20 PM  
Blogger miss*R said...

Hi Caroline - in answer to your question re my base chakra - do I wear red? hmm, sometimes. I wear red joggers but red is a colour I shy away from mostly. not sure why.
I am only partially through the base chakra chapter and when I finish, I will post my thoughts. xoxo

9:22 PM  
Blogger melba said...

Caroline I have felt your support for months and months now. Thank you!

I never knew you had all those amazing experiences!

I do think something is happening here for you. It is wonderful to be on this journey with you.

9:52 PM  
Blogger Lucia said...

I just love your sketch of yourself. It's wonderful! I enjoyed your post, too. It's great when a post like this makes me think about things--passions, finding my way. Thanks.

4:15 AM  
Blogger Ginnie said...

Yes, you've lived a wonderfully eclectic life and you still are. Go for it! Write it all out and you will be amazed at how freeing it can be. I definitely see you coming alive in your picture... and,guess what? The journey is just beginning. Thank you so much for your lovely comment on my latest blog. You are so far ahead of where I was at your age!

8:40 AM  
Anonymous paula said...

Very interesting synopsis of your 'previous' life! What s.l.White said was wise--life can be seasonal. Btw, I like you in yellow! You really offset yourself with the blue and red-brown background. And it's very lively, not static at all. Well done!

PS: From the description of where you live on Long Island, it sounds like a lovely place to have a pit stop while you evaluate your life. : )

12:15 PM  
Blogger Sacred Suzie said...

I love your stories, your life. The energy you have had as you travelled the world is gripping. I wish I had done and seen all that you have!

We do get lost and tired after a time of wandering and doing new things. You will recharge, renew, become Joan of Arc again.

That image of you is so fantastic, I can really see you celebrating life and surrounded by gold protective light.

Thank you for really "seeing" me in my posts. Your support means a lot and you're right, I've been a mini adult my whole life. I can't wait to learn how to play!

12:14 AM  
Blogger Cin said...

you are teaching me with your wonderful posts, many thanks

and a terrific drawing, bravo!!!

12:50 AM  
Blogger Lisa (Froggyhead) said...

I love this image so much. I have to tell you, aside from being blown away by all the things you've done, I'm also blown away by the fact that you are even IN your 40s, much less past 44. Your picture looks..hmmm...early 30s..maybe. I guess all that great living was really healthy for you!! :)

I'm excited for you. It's so great when we decide that we're going to live. I often wonder what I really really want too. I get a clue now and then.

This is a very motivating post.

6:16 PM  
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